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It's all getting a bit serious on here!
How about a bit of light hearted entertainment?
Anyone got any clean, funny jokes or stories to share???
I'll start the ball rolling.
A man comes home late from work, his stomach groaning for something to eat.
His wife, sheepishly says so as not to upset him;"I'm so so sorry, darling.
I gave your tea to the dog!"
The man replies;"Don't worry, we can get another dog!!!!"
(I can hear you all groaning & can see you rolling your eyes!!)
I'm never painting my walls that tangerine colour again. It keeps peeling.
I answered a knock at the door earlier and a huge beetle punched me on the nose.
I reported it to the police but they said they were aware there was a nasty bug going round.
I wrote a romantic message to my wife while I was away on a business trip and I missed an "e".
Now this mistake has caused me to seek police protection to enter my own house.
I wrote, "Hi darling I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my life & I wish you were her!“
I've been invited to the RNLI's Christmas party.
I'm quite looking forward to it as they really know how to push the boat out.
I asked the wife what she wanted for Christmas "some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely" she replied.
Kinder egg it is then.....
Once again this year, I've had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)
1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.
My wife has just left me due to my love of horse racing.
She's at the gate....and she's off!
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs”! Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U.S.A!"
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.
It seems that in the third test, Australia are folding quicker than Superman doing his ironing!
I want to know what the other two found out.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong ?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!"
When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity toward Gandhi, and because Gandhi never conceded to him in any disagreement, their "arguments" were very common.
One day, Mr Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to him. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat," to which Gandhi replied, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.
Mr Peters, enraged, decided to take revenge on Gandhi on the next test, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?" Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course."
Mr Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"
"Each one takes what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.
Mr Peters, already hysterical, wrote on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down. A few minutes later, Gandhi went to the professor and said, "Mr Peters, you signed the sheet but you did not give me the grade."

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
I'm the life of the party..... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps..... With a hammer.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

