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Anecdotes/Jokes
Topic posted by Andy ... dated:17 May 2004
Phew!
It's all getting a bit serious on here!
How about a bit of light hearted entertainment?
Anyone got any clean, funny jokes or stories to share???
I'll start the ball rolling.
A man comes home late from work, his stomach groaning for something to eat.
His wife, sheepishly says so as not to upset him;"I'm so so sorry, darling.
I gave your tea to the dog!"
The man replies;"Don't worry, we can get another dog!!!!"
(I can hear you all groaning & can see you rolling your eyes!!)
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Bob ... dated:15 November 2017
Dear friends, one spelling mistake in a hurry can make your life hell.
I wrote a romantic message to my wife while I was away on a business trip and I missed an "e".
Now this mistake has caused me to seek police protection to enter my own house.

I wrote, "Hi darling I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my life & I wish you were her!“ 
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Winston ... dated:22 December 2016

Sad news, especialy this time of year. The local origami factory has folded
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Bob ... dated:21 December 2016

I've been invited to the RNLI's Christmas party.

I'm quite looking forward to it as they really know how to push the boat out.

Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Bob ... dated:29 November 2016

I asked the wife what she wanted for Christmas "some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely" she replied.

Kinder egg it is then.....

Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Bob ... dated:12 November 2016
Vodka Christmas Cake

Once again this year, I've had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,

1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat. 
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Bob ... dated:07 November 2016

My wife has just left me due to my love of horse racing.

She's at the gate....and she's off!

Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Bob ... dated:30 May 2016
Three surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.  One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in the USA. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs”! Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U.S.A!"
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Bob ... dated:14 November 2015
GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE, TOO.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk. 
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Bob ... dated:30 July 2015

It seems that in the third test, Australia are folding quicker than Superman doing his ironing!

Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Divad ... dated:06 November 2014
When eight out of ten doctors recommend 'this product.'

I want to know what the other two found out.
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Bob ... dated:04 November 2014
Jim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong ?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't!" 
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by JohnH ... dated:25 May 2014

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity toward Gandhi, and because Gandhi never conceded to him in any disagreement, their "arguments" were very common.

One day, Mr Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to him. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat," to which Gandhi replied, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Mr Peters, enraged, decided to take revenge on Gandhi on the next test, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"  Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course."

Mr Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"

"Each one takes what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.

Mr Peters, already hysterical, wrote on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down. A few minutes later, Gandhi went to the professor and said, "Mr Peters, you signed the sheet but you did not give me the grade."

Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Edward ... dated:23 March 2014
I found this on a website called Free Time - our stories of leisure then and now. Being a child of the late Forties and Fifties much of this rings true!
 
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Divad ... dated:11 February 2014
My late mother used to say; Never tell your dad a joke on a Wednesday, he will laugh too much in church on Sunday.
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Steak ... dated:11 February 2013
I cannot eat beef burgers any more, they give me the trots.
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Bob ... dated:10 February 2013
I went for my annual check up today and my doctor has told me to watch what I eat, so I have bought tickets to this years Burghley horse trials.
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Divad ... dated:22 November 2012
I learnt today that...
No matter how big and bad you are, when a four year old hands you a toy phone, you answer it.
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Divad ... dated:11 November 2012
Sears have started their Christmas ad campaign this year with a line to take note of:
 
Every day is a gift, what will you do with it?
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by JohnH ... dated:17 July 2012
I've been sat at home all day doing nothing at all. I love working for G4S.
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Jayess ... dated:07 July 2012
Don't give up the day job Divad.
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Divad ... dated:07 July 2012
Recommended Reading.
My girlfriend passed a book to me to read. It is called 'True Romance in Pictures' by I Vana Kissalot. I think she might be hinting at something as she mentioned it is a self help tutorial.
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by George ... dated:20 April 2012
Herb,
 
I thought you were done with this site...
Was the temptation too big?
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Herb ... dated:20 April 2012
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of Yorkshire.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs & toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate & questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'. His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get them'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers & again John was concerned about the plates which appeared to have tiny specks around the edge which looked like dried egg. Once again he asked, 'Are you sure thes plates are clean?', & the old man said, 'I have told you before it is as clean as cold water can get them'.
Later that afternoon John was on his way to a nearby town & as he was leaving his grandfather's dog started to growl & would noy let him pass.
John yelled & said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from watching TV, the old man shouted, 'Coldwater, go lay down, yah hear me?'
Meet Coldwater
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Bsafan ... dated:17 March 2012
Your Duck is Dead...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Herb ... dated:28 January 2012
How can you tell when a politician is not telling the truth? When he/she opens his/her mouth.
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Herb ... dated:20 November 2011
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party..... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps..... With a hammer.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by DavidU ... dated:26 September 2011
Biblical IBM.

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load - but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound(MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner-Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Bsafan ... dated:17 August 2011
Jimmy Saville walks into a faulty time-machine
...Now .. then ... now ... then.
Re: Anecdotes/Jokes
Reply posted by Steak ... dated:04 August 2011
A drunk driver is stopped by the police just after midnight and he was asked where he was going.
He replied, I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drugs abuse on the human body.
The policeman says. oh really and who is giving this lecture at this time of night.
My Wife he replied.
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